I miss my identity

I guess I still have it. But it seems that I am also sharing it, which I did not agree to. Here's the story. I got my wallet stolen at a bar when having drinks with my San Fran BFF. I put my purse on that nifty little hook under the bar where I (and all other women in the whole world) always put my purse (and their purses respectively). Being the paranoid freak I am [side note: this should also answer any questions my friends may have about me not smoking doobies, etc.], I reached my hand over to check that my purse was there about 30 times in the course of the 2-hour drink extravaganza that probably changed my life.

Every time I reached, it was there.

Okay, so we finish our beers and go our seperate ways and I laugh on the phone all the way to my car as I blab on and on about how awesome things are and how wonderful life is...all this without realizing, noticing, knowing that I had just been had. Shit.

So...fast forward to the next day. Out to lunch with a couple of co-workers (also friends), having a great time, ate a fabulous quesadilla. Rushing to eat our food so that we don't extend our allotted hour-long lunch break, we ask the waiter to bring over our check. It arrives and I casaully reach in my purse. Where is my wallet? I think, still calm. So, I proceed to scour through the dense black hole that is my purse and still...nothing. With words of encouragement, my friends assure me that the wallet is in my car. I look and nothing. Fuck. That is all I can think.

I call Eric to ask if he saw it at home. No. I call my BFF to see if she stole it in jest. No. I call the bar to see if I dropped it and the cleaning guy (or gal) saw it and it's happily sitting behind the bar waiting for my phone call. No.

Shit.

I get home and Eric tells me to stop worrying. Just get on Wii Fit and calm down, he says. Fine. Rhythm Boxing takes me into my happy place and I don't know it yet, but this will be the last happy moment for days....my cell phone rings. It's a recording (which is never good). This is Washington Mutual Fraud Services calling to check on some suspicious account activity for (insert name here). I get connected to a live person and it's not all fun and games. It's verification, questions, account balances. Apparently the culprit had tried to use my debit card at a Champs sports store to buy a $40 pair of fucking shoes. I say this is not me, explain what happened, etc.

And all I can think is...If that's not a sign of a down economy, I don't know what is.

Anyway, all not-that-funny-shouldn't-be-kidding-about jokes aside, this sucks. But at least I know my wallet is stolen and not lost and I sleep okay that night.

Fast forward again to Friday evening. It's 6 p.m. and I am leaving work (yes, a half and hour later that normal, so I am already anxious and ready to get home) and I look down at my cell phone, which I placed in my purse for the last two hours of work so that I would stop looking at it, waiting for another bad phone call. Turns out that was a bad decision. Two frantic messages from a downtown Oakland bank branch - please call us back ASAP! they say. I call. Say, "hello, this is Macie" and before I can spit out my last name they know who I am. Not a good sign.

The convo went like this (modified a bit because my head was spinning)

Woman: Did you lose your ID?

Me: Yes! On Wednesday night....

Woman: Okay, cause this woman just came into the branch with a wig on, I think she was an impersonator! She was a good one too, looked just like you, caucasion, black wig.... [unrelated side note: my hair is NOT black...give me a break]

Me: What?!!! Are you kidding me?!!!

Woman: Don't worry, we stopped her...and we have your ID!! You can come and get it Monday, oh yeah and she already took out (blank dollars) from your account at another branch in Oakland. Money orders, cash, blah, blah, blah...

(I don't hear anything she is saying cause I am crossing the bridge and can't focus on anything).

Okay. Seriously...there is a woman running (quite literally out of banks) with a wig on trying to be me. I can't handle this. I call a few people to say just that. Fuck.



So now it's Tuesday and it's not over. Yesterday I spent hours at multiple banks, changing things, giving information and worrying a lot. Long story short, I want my identity back. I want my wallet with my Vons card and my gas receipts that I keep for no reason whatsoever. Every time my phone rings I think something worse is going to happen. I guess only 5 to 7 business days will tell.

If you are reading this and in fact are the lady that wore a wig and tried to be me: I hate you! I hate everything you do, you did, and everything you will be! Leave me alone. I hate you.