When alcohol drives you to other addictions

Due to recent things I have been reading, mainly in my online traffic school hell, I have come to yet another conclusion about myself.

The excerpt: "The brain, heart, and liver are the organs most affected by alcohol. The brain has a large concentration of vessels and thus absorbs a large percentage of the alcohol directly. As a result, the brain can be damaged to the point where, in the short term, not only would an individual be unable to operate a motor vehicle safely, but in the long run they may be unable to function normally in society."

(side note: this is from COMEDY SCHOOL ONLINE! Turns out, not so funny)

First, let me just say that I know alcohol is serious and in no way am I trying to say it isn't...but, the thing with me is that I don't feel like I want to drive when I'm drunk. Oh no, I am different. Alcohol has provided me with another addiction and/or false perception of myself and my abilities. When drinking, especially when I'm home after work, I think that I can cook. Now this may be because of my other addiction to any and all food-related shows (seriously, it's bad...I've even admitted it on my work blog), but regardless it's getting a little out of hand.

The scene: I pour myself a glass of wine and Eric and I begin to watch either Top Chef, Iron Chef, Unwrapped, Throw Down with Bobby Flay, Best Thing I Ever Ate, Man vs. Food, Rachel Ray (though she's been bugging me lately)...the list goes on and on. As I watch and enjoy the show I don't even know it but I am setting myself up to spend about an hour longer in the grocery store the next time I go. Here's what happens: someone mentions rosemary or heirloom tomatoes, or scallops and they all stick somewhere in my head. Then I go on living life and we go grocery shopping and as I'm in the aisle I get these "brilliant" ideas to make something I saw on TV. The problem is that I have only caught and remembered about 3 essential ingredients when there are like 15. So, what do I do? I make them up. And it almost always ends up okay but I always find myself thinking, "damn it. I need to stop thinking I am on the Food Network and just look at a recipe."

Now, don't get me wrong...we eat some good meals out of these experiences. But every time I'm in the kitchen I seriously start chopping as if there are cameras watching me. I am not really making anything revolutionary, I usually end up dumbing down something and ending up with lemon, rosemary chicken and it only looks cool cause I bought fresh rosemary and put it on top of the chicken in the baking dish. Anyway, not the point.

Here's why I bring this not-so-great combo of booze and food shows up...I have at least 3 scars on my hands from cooking while drunk. I will explain them to you:

(A long time ago):
With: Megan and Haley
Food: frozen pizza
How it happened: We were all downing wine in our old apartment in SD and, of course, we got the drunk munchies. Megan and Haley voted on walking to get some food or ordering it, but I said that was ridiculous! We have a pizza in the freezer and I will make it. That probably would have been fine if I didn't want to add my own fresh ingredients on top of it...so, I started chopping and I got the toppings on and the pizza successfully in the oven. All was fine until I tried to take it out. So, I grab the pizza with my oven mitt on and the pizza slides out of my hand and onto the open oven door. Not thinking, I grab the fallen pizza with my other hand (with no oven mitt) and....burn. This is my worst one, by the way.

(Not so long ago):
With: Eric, Jess, B
Food: Homemade Pizza Bagels
How it happened: We got home from the bars in SF when Jess and B were visiting. We were hungry and too drunk to drive. The only option was McDonald's by our house and I am so anti-McDonald's it's not even funny. So, I realize we have cheese, pasta sauce, bagels and mushrooms in our fridge and decide to make pizza bagels. Not only does it take way too long to get all of the ingredients together but my Top Chef mentality tells me that when I take them out of the oven it's totally fine to pick them each up with my hands. Wrong again. Burn.

(An even shorter time ago):
With: Eric
Food: Tortillas
How it happened: We got home from the bars and had nothing to eat...I mean, our fridge was virtually empty. But we NEEDED food and we had a package of tortillas and a tiny block of cheese, so quesadillas it was. I'm warming up a tortilla to eat while the cheese is being shredded and as I try to turn it over it flies out of the sizzling pan. Since it absolutely cannot land on the floor, I grab it with my hand mid-air (I got skills!) and an air pocket bursts and burns the crap out of my finger. Damn.

Well, I may not be loose on the streets but one thing is for sure: I am dangerous in the kitchen. And though I'm not addicted to alcohol, I am addicted to cooking while intoxicated...and that I blame completely on the wine.