When it hits you

It’s hard to control the way you see yourself. Unfortunately, most people end up seeing themselves in the worst light; but there are those times when you see yourself through another’s eyes. Of course, the best experiences are when you realize that the way others see you is a lot better than the way you see yourself—that’s actually my feeling on love. I constantly think about how Eric sees me. I mean, if you think about it (aside from my coworkers), Eric is definitely at the top of the list of people that see me for the most hours per day. He sees me at my worst, best and everything in between. (It’s kind of like Santa Claus actually… “he sees you when your sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” weird…never really thought about that before). Anyway, its hard to imagine the way people see you, especially those closest to you, and sometimes they are the ones that change your own perception. If you see a loved one look at you poorly or negatively, it can often hurt the most. Of course, there are also random people that remark or react to you in a way you’ve never seen before—and it hits you—just like that.

So, I am fully aware that I am 25 years old now. I am also aware that I live in an apartment with my boyfriend of 4 ½ years, and I am holding down a decent job, and I want kids someday, and I want to get married. All of these things seem more than obvious at this point; yet, while at Beverages & More the other day, all of these things lost all importance with one comment from the cashier.

So, I am at Target and have asked Eric before I left our apartment if he’d like me to get him anything. He says some beer would be nice as it’s Sunday and it’s football all day. So, I make up my mind that Target sells beer because they sell wine—and they are a package deal, right?! Like you are at a bar and they don’t say, “Oh, we only sell wine, or we only sell beer.” It’s always, “We only sell beer and wine. No booze. But beer and wine.” (Obviously, I know there are bars that only sell wine, but they are clearly called wine bars, okay…so my point isn't all that valid, but for the most part, it’s beer and wine or everything!) Moving on, Target does not sell beer. They only sell wine. So, I buy what I “need” and move on. As I leave the parking lot I remember there is a BevMo right in the same center so I decide that is where I will pick up the beer for my man.

Enter the store. All’s well. I make my way back to the refrigerated section and grab the cheapest beer they have (I know, great girlfriend, right?), and I head to the checkout lanes. I wait in line, still all’s well. It’s my turn and I am asked for my BevMo card and drivers license. I grab both and hand them over. As I am looking down into my purse to find my chapstick while she rings me up I hear her say matter-of-factly, “25.” That’s all she said. No shock, no surprise, no hint of rudeness. Just “25.” For some reason this was my moment of realization. My birthday was in April but it just hit me last Sunday that I was actually 25 years old. Holy shit, I thought. But, wait a minute! By 25 I was supposed to be engaged and thinking of buying a house and having a job that pays me a crap-load of money. Wait just a minute. None of those things are happening. Damn it. How did this happen? Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I LOVE living in San Francisco and I love my boyfriend and my apartment, and my job is alright…at that moment; however, nothing mattered. I was 25 years old! Wow.

Thanks, cashier lady at BevMo…now I have a lot of work to do.